Late night dinner thoughts. 

Somehow slipping through the tiny Tangles of this mediocre, degenerate Society. Escaping near-death encounters with an empty plate.

Pulling strings.

Obviously the right strings, because I still hang in there alive.
Tangled but alive
Footprints from my past follow me, and Chase me through my everyday.

Happy thoughts!
Think happy thoughts DJ…

People question me, and test my stability.

I tell them straight out, stability is an issue. Calm, cool, and collected is not my style.

Or is it?

Wouldn’t that be nice?
Wouldn’t it be fun?
To be one of them –

With the pretty clothes, and freshly shaven faces…

all contained in one ego.

Together they’re one.

Alone they are lost.

like ramblings of my writings…

Lacking purpose.
or Escape…

Can it be that I am one?
I’m just on my own…..

and I’m just lost? 

Untitled 

​Crimson Red
A black death bed

Flowing rivers of blackened oil
Flow across the barren soil

Billy goats
Pink fur coats
A goldfish dies
A kitten chokes

Feast upon the poison mushrooms
Attacked by killer rabid raccoons

It sucks the life from the little people
And spits them out through a tiny keyhole

What’s it like on the other side?
There’s nothing there, those bastards lied.

Distorted figures
Mangled fingers
Through the grass the dense fog lingers

Live off an empty plate
Live out a pathetic preplanned fate

Ill leave it at that for you to wallow
Hope it’s not your soul he swallows

Conflustered!

This was a writing excercise i decided to attempt  while sitting in a coffee shop about 15years Ago.  This was fun! Essentially  its impromptu  ad-lib/word association :p

 
Walking salmon down the path, beside the dry wheat riverbed of the empty baloon fields and empty panty hose.

The caclking cammels rejoice their excitement for their bacon covered counterparts.

Yellow roses and guitar strings, blanket the pink pillowcases on the lemonade coloured bed-spread, while  peanut butter and jello shots & oatmeal flavoured french toast evaporate into a tall glass of communication.

😉DJ

Talking to Strangers

One thing I’ve learned with this blog is that I find it so much easier to talk to complete strangers, then it is to talk to people I know. I think I believe that’s because I don’t know you people…So I don’t know the look on your face when you’re judging me….Or if you even are. I would hope you’re not… but also, part of me doesn’t give a shit either way.

One thing I do like about it is when talking to a complete stranger I can be whoever I want to be, but I know truthfully that I want to be myself more than anything else in the world. So when I talk to a complete stranger, I am me. I’m not trying to impress you, I’m not trying to feed you something I think you’ll like, because I know how you are, and the things that attract you!
The name hypocritical narcissist kind of a joke. I gave it to myself. I gave it to myself because I do love myself, and I typically don’t see anything wrong with things I do, until way after its too late. By then, Im over It, and feel I can’t change it anyway.. However, I laugh because I also…. no matter what I do, it always seems like it’s not enough. So it’s kind of hypocritical, of a narcissist. But seeing that it’s hypocritical, and not doing anything to make it better, or looking into ways of improving situations, (ie making this a joke) is narcissistic.

I truly am a very passionate person and I put love and heart into everything. I tend to smother the woman that I date, because I got so obsessed about making them happy that really just chases them away. Its not like “crazy stalker” chasing, its just I consume myself into being: “the best” . That I lose myself. I will later share a poem illustrating this.
Meditation is helping, however, I’m somewhat addicted to it now!!! I know it’ll never be the same as that one time I was taken away, And I think that’s because I’m going into the meditation hoping to go back….which is not allowing me to not clear my mind! It’s so hard to let go of that thought! That place was so beautiful…

The point of this post today was actually to talk about how well I think all of this is working. Because I didn’t think anybody was going to read any of this! I love the fact that you are, and it makes me happy because it’s something that I enjoy doing. Thank you.

-Don. 

I was there!!!

The most amazing thing just happened to me. I had to write about this NOW!

Recently, I decided to look into medition.
And although i just started, today was something im not sure is normal, strange or even good, but I feel AMAZING!
I have just been doing simple 5-10 minute sessions, at different times. Just to ‘get the feel’ or get my breathing or posture comfortable etc. Without putting too much thought into it.
Today was different.
Its the first time I tried with music.
I also decided to do a full 20 minutes.
In complete darkness, other than one candle. (The room light is too obnoxious)
Anyway,
Today I was taken on a journey.
A FULL ON lucid dream.
I was wide awake, and actually was able to come back to focus on my breathing a few times. Even opened my eyes once or twice accidentally in amazement. And was still in my room…
I kept getting pulled back into this wonderful place.
It was AMAZING.
I could hear, see, and feel everything. I caught myself rubbing my fingers together, I felt the cool water flowing over my feet. I actually turned my head to watch birds fly by… I was there, and remember all of it. I am still wide awake, and am not under the influence of anything! I was even able to place someone I miss, into it. It was only for a brief second, but 100% she was there. I was then carried away by the sound of the water.
Im not sure if its common to lucid dream while meditating, but I sure as hell just did. And Im sold.

Holy Crap!!!! 

Squeezeing wounds.

Circa 2001/2003ish?  I never dated stuff back then. Sorry. :/ 

I sit and write the words to this, yet I don’t know where they’ll go. So much stuff goes through my mind why won’t it ever help or show?

I sit here rather lonely , yet I know I’m not alone. Well I think I’m looking kind of homely, I know I have a home.
I watch bits and shards of this “perfect puzzle” tangle, lay mangled, and melted pouring from the tiny keyholes of hope and desire… collecting in a bloody pool of despair. while evil thoughts from vicodin creep across my itching skull, they make me think the life I live is rather kind of grey and dull.
Scratching through the surface, is the help you say I greatly need…
But squeezing wounds on purpose…
makes me feel so free.

I’ll meet you there.

Silently… vocal

She calls my name

to give solace, 

“Come to me” She says… 

You’ll never be the same

Displace your ego

Feel no pain

The moonlight  guides you

The wild, tame.

“Stay a while”

You’ll then see

You were lost in all of them. 

With me you’re free.

DonDuggan 2017

#silence #thewoods #whatwegot #naturewalk #naturephotography #rightpath #walkitalone #walkinshadows #innerpeace #loveherbutleaveherwild #atticus 

I…*Gasp* I was Wrong?!

“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”. A quote Vivian Greene once said.
Although, I also have read that it was said by Tony Robbins? Now I am unsure of the Original source.
Regardless … realizing that we are in fact the writer of our own script, has been eye opening this past couple weeks. Ive always known that, but never really knew what that allowed me to do fully.
A lot has been learned by myself. Like, you shouldn’t fall in love with someone who is pretending to be somebody else… But I can also tell you, that I wasn’t even me a couple weeks ago either. (Ill get to that later) Another one would be… If you’re going to allow another artist to paint you into a picture of their future.. Be aware, you’re possibly being painted with the same brush that they used to whitewash their past.  Painting an individual with such a broad stroke, you tend to lose infinite detail, and you wash out all that natural inner beauty. It isn’t done intentionally of course, it’s  because they’re comfortable with how that brush made them feel, or maybe how it “helped” throughout history.

The fact is, if you’re trying to create a detailed, original masterpiece, you’ll really need to study your whole subject. And YOUR world, that the subject resides in.
All that being said, I don’t hate that beautiful artist, I do very much love her, I actually needed help understanding that. I mean I felt it, and certainly moreso after she left, but…. I get it now. For her, I thought she just needed to accept a sincere compliment, or “embrace love”.  I wished she would’ve opened up and let me in… because, she said she never found that: ” blinding love”, and that she waited for it to happen… Well, we live two and a half hours away from each other, and have only dated for 4 months. So I thought she should have waited longer.. The fact that: She never got a chance to love me – I was too busy “loving her (Ok ok… “smothering her”) to give her a second to love me back….

☆Bam Bitch☆ 

That Smacked me so hard, realizing…I never let HER in. My walls were too high for me to even realize they were there. Now all the pieces fall together….

Shit!
Anyway enough about that. I’ve been making a few changes this past week as well. Deleted some of my old accounts, things that I didn’t really need in my life. I started going through my apartment, donated things I’ve never touched but I purchased for God Knows Why. I started a reading a lot about focus, simplifying my brain, and controlling or channeling my attention. I started finding things that I really like. Not things I think people will like if they see them. I have a 7 piece queen bedroom set. I’m selling that! What in the hell do I need a 7 piece queen bedroom set for? I think I used maybe three drawers in both dressers. They each have six drawers. Why do I need an antiqued cherry wood finish for? I mean it’s cool, but does that really describe me? It’s not really my style. But I got it cheap. It was a good deal. When I really think about it I don’t even LIKE it. So it’s going to be gone.
Things like DVDs, CDs, even books I have bookshelves full of each. What in the shit do I have all that for? I’ve seen all the DVDs I’ve listened to all the CDs and I’ve read most of the books. Or at least look through them. Most of those were impulse purchases. Do I really need them do they really add value to my life? Probably not. Maybe they can one day be a collectors item. But I am not a collector. So Im really just hoarding them.
If i ever really need to see/hear/read any of them, I am positive I can find a copy somewhere to borrow/rent.

I live alone, I have two children my son who is 16, and my daughter who is 9. They live with their mothers and I see them quite frequently, but why do I need place settings in my cupboard for like 8 people? My place isn’t big enough to house eight people eating at the same time. I heard the other day (source unknown), there’s no such thing as multitasking. Cuz in order to multitask you have to divide your focus equally between two things for example. But if you could have focused on one of them, you could have got it done much faster and much more efficient than you did when you had two things to focus on. I mean sure you got them done both the same time both of them by the deadlines. But if you break it down, that means you’re not one hundred percent focused on each of them.
But I have learned that all these things in my life, they have no real importance, and are just taking up space, time, attention, and more importantly, my energy. I get anxious I get depressed I got frustrated when I have to do all my dishes. But if I didn’t have so many dishes it wouldn’t take long to wash them. Same as cleaning my living room. If I didn’t have all these bookshelves, taking up space, collecting dust, it wouldn’t take me two hours to clean or dust it. I don’t ever intend to collect DVDs or books Etc, so those do don’t need to take up all that space. My focus this week has been on sorting out all those things. Making more room in my life to accept good things better things, so I can be the best me yet. When I talk about my living room and the way that I want it to people, I always say I want my big aquarium cuz that’s what I like. I’m a fish geek. And when I talk about it, my living room, I do mention a TV and I love music, but nowhere do I ever say I want this type of bookshelf and I want all of these (books/DVD’s etc) on display for all my ” guests” . I simply talk about how I want the chair in front of The aquarium. It being the focus of my living room, it’s not going anywhere.
That’s not going anywhere because that brings me joy, that helps me relax, it really literally defines me. This is what I do,
this is what I like, this is mine.
So the aquarium, chair, tv, stereo are in. A couch would be nice for company, maybe a coffee table. But other than that nothing is really important. Or needed. Last night I went through some clothes, I have a two large garbage bags full of crap that I never wear. ever. I bought because they look cool, or I used to wear them but I don’t wear them anymore why do I still have them? why do they still take up so much space. You know how much two large garbage bags full of clothes weighs? It felt so good to offload that. And donate them to somebody who can use them. Now, instinctively I kind of want to go out and buy new clothes becauseI feel like I don’t have enough. But I do.. Those are all things that I never wore.
It’s all this focus right now that has me pumped up! Think about what I want to do with my life because I can do anything with it. I want to be up north I want to be near the lake I want to be near the trees.. smell the fresh air! That’s where I picture when I think Paradise. I don’t think it’s down south, or on a beach or anything like that. I want a cabin in the woods where I can’t see, or hear any neighbors. Just peace. I want to be able to wake up in the morning stretch and have my coffee on the dock. Maybe go for a ride before dark, then build the fire for the night call it a day. I understand this post is a little bit more about where I’m at mentally… and may be a bit scattered still…  but that’s the whole idea of my blog. It was started because I can never keep an actual diary order, because I tend to rip out pages.
I have others encourage me to keep writing, as my words may help others’ . I dunno, who really wants to hear my ramblings anyway?
This blog today though was realizing that
the whole illusion of life, in today’s world, is ALL a game. All of it. And to stop playing it, We just have to simply stop. Literally.
Because, there is no “end” to this game. You either play, or you dont. And If you dont, you can live, you can grow, you can love. And let love in. But if you play it. Then you’re just stuck in the loop. Like a hamster on a wheel. If you want to move on with your life, and DO SOMETHING WITH IT… get off the wheel!
There’s no final level. There isn’t even a physical destination… in order to “get there”.. or “beat the game”, you (and only you.. have to make it stop beating you.
Get off the fucking wheel!
Stop playing the game.
Be yourself, and live. 

Working alone, isn’t always lonely. (At least you have you to talk to…)

“I wish you can be in here just one second, cause then you’d see….”

This is the bullshit , that you try to sell me

I am in here, you’re narrating this,
This all just made up craziness.
That “giant boot” that you speak of so frequently.
The one that kicks you in the dick when you’re at your peak.
The one that pulls the rug, from out your feet.
Its fake.
Its not real.
You made it up.
Its always been you vs me.
But with me being you, ya get easily confused.
Cause you knew it would happen,  for not listening to me.
Its always a trap
You can never take back.
‘Cause you set them yourself
But then seal up the cracks.

I am beautiful, I am powerful
You are weak.
Your ego holds you down and beats you.
Then you come looking for me.
I cant save you from me.
Because you control thee.
You need to grasp that.

Like I tell you every time
Ive tried every line,
Why cant you get it?
Why cant you see?
That making me hurt you,
Is really hurting me.

We’re all the same people
Or person you’ll see.
Just relax and be you.
Then youll finally meet me.
You’ve known most my powers,
Ive got much more to teach.
But im quite out of focus, I need to be reached.

Like a bat in the roost who is waiting for night,
You dwell on these thoughts, that never see light. You make up this shit.
And cause a commotion
Pull your hair in a fit,
But no direction in motion

You sell yourself short cause you’re trapped in your cell
But the blocks are not real.
You made up this hell.
The dust in your apartment it makes you sick and you itch
But instead of facing your problems, you sit here and bitch!
Coffee after coffee
Makes you anxious you see
But without it youre nothing
Like you without me.
I dont know how to get it through to you.
How much convincing do you need?
You act like im new to you.
But as long as you’ve known you, you’ve been punishing  me.

-DJ