“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain”. A quote Vivian Greene once said.
Although, I also have read that it was said by Tony Robbins? Now I am unsure of the Original source.
Regardless … realizing that we are in fact the writer of our own script, has been eye opening this past couple weeks. Ive always known that, but never really knew what that allowed me to do fully.
A lot has been learned by myself. Like, you shouldn’t fall in love with someone who is pretending to be somebody else… But I can also tell you, that I wasn’t even me a couple weeks ago either. (Ill get to that later) Another one would be… If you’re going to allow another artist to paint you into a picture of their future.. Be aware, you’re possibly being painted with the same brush that they used to whitewash their past. Painting an individual with such a broad stroke, you tend to lose infinite detail, and you wash out all that natural inner beauty. It isn’t done intentionally of course, it’s because they’re comfortable with how that brush made them feel, or maybe how it “helped” throughout history.
The fact is, if you’re trying to create a detailed, original masterpiece, you’ll really need to study your whole subject. And YOUR world, that the subject resides in.
All that being said, I don’t hate that beautiful artist, I do very much love her, I actually needed help understanding that. I mean I felt it, and certainly moreso after she left, but…. I get it now. For her, I thought she just needed to accept a sincere compliment, or “embrace love”. I wished she would’ve opened up and let me in… because, she said she never found that: ” blinding love”, and that she waited for it to happen… Well, we live two and a half hours away from each other, and have only dated for 4 months. So I thought she should have waited longer.. The fact that: She never got a chance to love me – I was too busy “loving her (Ok ok… “smothering her”) to give her a second to love me back….
That Smacked me so hard, realizing…I never let HER in. My walls were too high for me to even realize they were there. Now all the pieces fall together….
Anyway enough about that. I’ve been making a few changes this past week as well. Deleted some of my old accounts, things that I didn’t really need in my life. I started going through my apartment, donated things I’ve never touched but I purchased for God Knows Why. I started a reading a lot about focus, simplifying my brain, and controlling or channeling my attention. I started finding things that I really like. Not things I think people will like if they see them. I have a 7 piece queen bedroom set. I’m selling that! What in the hell do I need a 7 piece queen bedroom set for? I think I used maybe three drawers in both dressers. They each have six drawers. Why do I need an antiqued cherry wood finish for? I mean it’s cool, but does that really describe me? It’s not really my style. But I got it cheap. It was a good deal. When I really think about it I don’t even LIKE it. So it’s going to be gone.
Things like DVDs, CDs, even books I have bookshelves full of each. What in the shit do I have all that for? I’ve seen all the DVDs I’ve listened to all the CDs and I’ve read most of the books. Or at least look through them. Most of those were impulse purchases. Do I really need them do they really add value to my life? Probably not. Maybe they can one day be a collectors item. But I am not a collector. So Im really just hoarding them.
If i ever really need to see/hear/read any of them, I am positive I can find a copy somewhere to borrow/rent.
I live alone, I have two children my son who is 16, and my daughter who is 9. They live with their mothers and I see them quite frequently, but why do I need place settings in my cupboard for like 8 people? My place isn’t big enough to house eight people eating at the same time. I heard the other day (source unknown), there’s no such thing as multitasking. Cuz in order to multitask you have to divide your focus equally between two things for example. But if you could have focused on one of them, you could have got it done much faster and much more efficient than you did when you had two things to focus on. I mean sure you got them done both the same time both of them by the deadlines. But if you break it down, that means you’re not one hundred percent focused on each of them.
But I have learned that all these things in my life, they have no real importance, and are just taking up space, time, attention, and more importantly, my energy. I get anxious I get depressed I got frustrated when I have to do all my dishes. But if I didn’t have so many dishes it wouldn’t take long to wash them. Same as cleaning my living room. If I didn’t have all these bookshelves, taking up space, collecting dust, it wouldn’t take me two hours to clean or dust it. I don’t ever intend to collect DVDs or books Etc, so those do don’t need to take up all that space. My focus this week has been on sorting out all those things. Making more room in my life to accept good things better things, so I can be the best me yet. When I talk about my living room and the way that I want it to people, I always say I want my big aquarium cuz that’s what I like. I’m a fish geek. And when I talk about it, my living room, I do mention a TV and I love music, but nowhere do I ever say I want this type of bookshelf and I want all of these (books/DVD’s etc) on display for all my ” guests” . I simply talk about how I want the chair in front of The aquarium. It being the focus of my living room, it’s not going anywhere.
That’s not going anywhere because that brings me joy, that helps me relax, it really literally defines me. This is what I do,
this is what I like, this is mine.
So the aquarium, chair, tv, stereo are in. A couch would be nice for company, maybe a coffee table. But other than that nothing is really important. Or needed. Last night I went through some clothes, I have a two large garbage bags full of crap that I never wear. ever. I bought because they look cool, or I used to wear them but I don’t wear them anymore why do I still have them? why do they still take up so much space. You know how much two large garbage bags full of clothes weighs? It felt so good to offload that. And donate them to somebody who can use them. Now, instinctively I kind of want to go out and buy new clothes becauseI feel like I don’t have enough. But I do.. Those are all things that I never wore.
It’s all this focus right now that has me pumped up! Think about what I want to do with my life because I can do anything with it. I want to be up north I want to be near the lake I want to be near the trees.. smell the fresh air! That’s where I picture when I think Paradise. I don’t think it’s down south, or on a beach or anything like that. I want a cabin in the woods where I can’t see, or hear any neighbors. Just peace. I want to be able to wake up in the morning stretch and have my coffee on the dock. Maybe go for a ride before dark, then build the fire for the night call it a day. I understand this post is a little bit more about where I’m at mentally… and may be a bit scattered still… but that’s the whole idea of my blog. It was started because I can never keep an actual diary order, because I tend to rip out pages.
I have others encourage me to keep writing, as my words may help others’ . I dunno, who really wants to hear my ramblings anyway?
This blog today though was realizing that
the whole illusion of life, in today’s world, is ALL a game. All of it. And to stop playing it, We just have to simply stop. Literally.
Because, there is no “end” to this game. You either play, or you dont. And If you dont, you can live, you can grow, you can love. And let love in. But if you play it. Then you’re just stuck in the loop. Like a hamster on a wheel. If you want to move on with your life, and DO SOMETHING WITH IT… get off the wheel!
There’s no final level. There isn’t even a physical destination… in order to “get there”.. or “beat the game”, you (and only you.. have to make it stop beating you.
Get off the fucking wheel!
Stop playing the game.
Be yourself, and live.